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| Port Harcourt Airport Terminal, Rivers State |
2. Polish your pidgin and use it right from the airport as you start negotiating with the cab man. Scratch that; in fact begin using it with the customs and immigration people. Pidgin breaks ice with Nigerians and it will save you money. You may be able to pass for a home-based and avoid the diaspora tax/price.
3. Lay low. Hang out only with folks you trust and do so with utmost discretion.
4. Avoid suspicious places, especially at night.
5. Show respect to figures of authority--soldiers, police, customs, civil defense, Road Safety Officers, VIO, etc. A little respect goes a long way with these agents of security and may even save your life. Show them your abroadian "I'm the man" and "do you know who I am?" attitude and they will kill your a** and, this being Nigeria, nothing will happen. In fact they could frame you as a drug peddler and an armed robber, not only getting away with your murder but smearing your name and reputation in death.
6. You will be committing financial--and maybe even physical-- suicide if you start displaying dollars or start spending money recklessly.
7. Know that you cannot solve everyone's problem. You will be inundated with requests and heart-rending stories of suffering and hardship that will torment and sometimes bring you to tears. Do what you can and help those you can to the extent that you can. But don't neglect important projects or render yourself broke because you want to display your philanthropic fervor. Besides, sometimes helping in Nigeria can be taken advantage of, as those you're trying to help can sometimes get the idea that you're "loaded" and proceed to set you up for something unpalatable.
8. Although most of your acquaintances and friends may be folks in the upper echelons of Nigeria, be nice to people on the lower rungs of society and treat them like human beings. Many of them work in the service industry and in hospitality, ensuring that your needs are met and that you're comfortable. They do the shittiest jobs and are paid peanuts. Tip them generously, but don't get suckered into their sob stories.
9. Do not let praise and suck-ups, of which you will get plenty, go to your head. It is "eye service" and they mostly don't mean it. And it is because you live in the abroad and you have allegedly brought dollars.
10. Bargain with everyone selling you goods or services where the price is not fixed, even though your currency conversion mental calculator tells you not to because the price is only the equivalent of one or two dollars--chicken change to you. Bargaining is not merely a way to save money; it's also an enjoyable rhetorical dance, a way of bonding, and a satisfying mode of social interaction. Bargaining is a social and cultural event with a satisfying outcome. You enjoy a product or service infinitely more when you bargain on the price than when you don't. You rob yourself of this additional gratification if you’re “forming” big boy or girl who does not bargain.
11. Don't advertise your arrival on social media. It's not just because of security that it's a bad idea. It's also because once you advertise your presence and activities on social media, everyone who has ever known you now know that you're around and either wants to visit you or expects you to visit them, which is practically impossible. The result is that a lot of people will be angry with you for not seeing them before you left and you'll be in the debt of many people. You'll send out many apologies with promises to "see them" the next time you visit, which may never happen, further compounding the debt.
12. The Nigerians you will encounter during your stay are your hosts, not your slaves. Do not overburden them with requests and tasks just because they don’t mind helping you or it is their job to do so. And don’t complain excessively about deficiencies in social services and infrastructure. This is Nigeria, not Obodo Oyibo, so save your First World grievances and preferences for when your return to your base.
Use these tips and you'll enjoy your stay in Naija. And you'll thank me later.
Use these tips and you'll enjoy your stay in Naija. And you'll thank me later.
By: Moses Ochonu
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